this has to be here too sorry not sorry
this has to be here too sorry not sorry
There are days when I see you there,
With your eyes the same as mine.
There are days when I touch my skin,
But it still belongs to you.
I worry about the things you’ve said,
When you used this mouth we share.
I worry about the things you’ve done,
With these hands that touch my face.
And I know that now it has been years,
Since you walked far in this skin.
But some days I catch a glimpse of me,
And you are all I see.
reflection by kaitlyn hudd
Oh how afraid I am.
Afraid of standing still forever
With no fight and no choice.
Oh how afraid I am
My ambitious dreams cannot fight my familiar vision,
And I am standing on the road most traveled,
Watching enviously the people who cartwheel down different, more interesting roads.
Oh God, how afraid I am.
But today will be the blessful, luminous day that my eyes will finally open.
Today will be the day that I will discover that I have been standing my whole life on this road,
And I am the miracle who has control.
It will be today where I will let go of my anchor,
And start running.
what is your earliest memory? I may have been two or three in this memory. I remember using a lemon squeezer to make lemon juice with my babysitter. My mom was there watching, possibly recording it. Unfortunately, I do not remember the taste of the lemon juice. I’m sure it was awesome, though.
what is your favourite memory of 2012? During the summer, I had been part of Soulpepper Theatre’s Youth Mentorship Program. We explored and created various forms of art, and presented what we created in a showcase by the end of the program. I was backstage during one of the performances, by myself. A certain tune came on that was part of our performance; I always found comfort in this tune. I lay my back against the wall of the backstage and thought to myself, “I love this. I love performing.” At this moment, I discovered my love for theatre.
what do you dream of? I dream of people in my life. These people do and say strange things in my dreams, but they don’t seem very strange while they are happening. Sometimes, I’ll wake up and I’ll smile to what I dreamt; these dreams feature someone I loved very dearly. Sometimes, I’ll wake up and feel longing; these dreams feature a good time with people I miss very dearly. I suppose those are considered nightmares.
what do you see at night? The day I am about to fall asleep from.
what is your favourite song? Rebellion by Arcade Fire. Every time you close your eyes…Lies! Lies!
how do you feel about your hair? Nothing too special about the hair on my head. The hair on my face, however….
what’s your favourite publication (magazine, journal, etc)? Leonard Maltin’s Movie Guide. I’m fucking lame, I know.
which artist/institution of art/collect of artists has affected your life this year? The eleven young artists of Soulpepper Theatre’s Youth Mentorship Program and our two lovely facilitators, Paula and Christian (Chrishylipps). We explored. We created. We experienced. I love those guys.
I’d be kicking myself if I also didn’t mention Arcade Fire. I want to do badass things whenever I listen to them. That has gotten me in some pretty amazing situations. I totally recommend them.
what is your favourite novel of 2012? The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
say goodbye to the person you’ve been this year. I’m so proud of you. The things you’ve done and accomplished this year are awesome. But man, you gotta stop worrying about stupid shit. Cheers.
what is your favourite memory of 2012? Swimming in the beautiful salty waters of Cuba, feeling the warm sun on my face, leaning back and sipping on mojitos.
how do you feel about your hair? Wish it were longer, healthier and voluminous.
what’s your favourite publication (magazine, journal, etc)? Rolling Stones! Love music :)
which artist/institution of art/collect of artists has affected your life this year? I recently discovered John Currin this year, a talented American artist. His twisted way of tackling our westernized social themes has made his work controversial and has given him the attention that all artists strive for. His bold choices as a contemporary artist are what I admire the most.
what do you see at night? I see all the possibilities, all the beauty, all the misery and i smile and cry and laugh at all of it.
best and worst thing that happened in 2012? I fell in love and had to let go.
how do you feel about your hair? I love chopping it off. In the near future, I’m shaving it. Cutting my hair is liberating. It brings change. And it helps me let go.
what is your favourite novel of 2012? the night circus by erin morgenstern.
what is your favourite song? twice by little dragon. but sometimes i hate it. it holds good and bad memories, and paints beautiful possibilities. i think i like misery more than i like happiness.
if you were a member of a Kingdom, who would you be? If I were a member of a Kingdom, I feel like I’d be a princess. Of course, that seems like a horribly cheesy answer but I have good reason for it. To me, a princess isn’t just someone who is spoiled and sheltered, a princess is someone who learns and grows despite being raised a certain way. I guess, in a way, a princess makes me think of how we aren’t really locked into one future, no matter how much we may seem to be. Even if the things were were raised to do remain the same, our behaviour and our way of dealing with and creating those things do not have to. I grew up being given so many wonderful things and being protected maybe more than was good, but I don’t think that kept me from learning more about myself and still becoming the person I am right now.
what is your earliest memory? The white sands and the crystal clear sea. Nah I watched my memories on VHS.
what is your favourite memory of 2012? First time I talked to “him”
what do you dream of? Creating my dreams/ Become an Animator
does anyone dream of you? Not that I’m aware of / This girl who I knew
have you ever encountered death? Accidents and Suicidal thoughts/ Nope still Alive
love. drugs. art.
ruth and i went to montreal. we hopped on a bus and left.
When the darkness takes my shadow away,
I remind my self of my dreams.
There is beauty I want to create and I’m not leaving
until I do.
We’re going everywhere.
When I glare at you, I’m most likely jealous. it’s because you’re smiling when I can’t bring myself to. Sometimes, sorrow consumes bliss. I find that taking life too seriously hurts us so I laugh at my pain, and yours. Let’s laugh at our pain together, because the one useful thing i’ve learned in origins of theatre tutorial is:
“Life is a comedy if we think about it, but life is a tragedy if we feel about it.” — Henri Bergson
*fancy art piece*
I am not just any other person
Yet, I am like everybody else.
I am not a mystery to any of you
Yet, I am an enigma to myself.
Sometimes, I am the master of my own mind
Sometimes, I am but a clumsy key holder
Watching through the windows of my locked mind
Watching what my strange mind does on its own
Watching, in horror, the choices it makes
Watching, in horror, the choices it does not.
I am many things
I am a boy
Afraid of monsters and men
I am a man
Courageous, defiant against liars and thieves!
I am an artist
Eager to leave a footprint on people’s hearts
I am a lover
Longing to find happiness through intimacy
I am a student
Just rolling by, learning life’s truths
I am a walker
Admiring the beauty of the world
I am a runner
Running away from the horrors of it
I am a regretful soul
Yearning to run back
This makes me a warrior
Ready to challenge these horrors again
I am my past
It is what makes who I am
I will be my future
It is what I will be
I am the sun
Scorching, unstoppable and mighty
I am the moon
Bringing light in times of darkness.
I am many things
But I am one person.
You know who I am
But do not be so sure
For today, I am these things
Tomorrow, I will be more.